He will burn in hell – I triple guarantee you

In more certain and steadfast times, when the world was not a seething mass of odium dragging you by the ankles and tearing you apart, when rivers did not threaten to turn to blood, we looked, with a slight chuckle, at the antics of Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf. While we know that we will never again hear his cocksure voice defend the dignity of Iraqis against America and the international gang of criminal bastards (which is a shame really, thus forcing us to endure less than pleasant snapshots of ass-pyramids and creative uses of duct tape) his style shall endure as a more palpable reminder of an impenetrable complex of denial that still exists currently.

[While made in jest, such comments do not attempt in spirit to deny the sheer horror of such events that have actually occurred]

"Do not believe for one moment the lies of the immoral mercenaries who are spreading these lies. Lies are the golden rules of these bandits. They are sick in their minds. They make you think that N-- is a scorched wasteland populated only by rats. There is no collapse. This is the truth I speak. Check the facts for yourself. I will take you there and show you. IN ONE HOUR. I triple guarantee it."

"Three things struck me immediately about the reports yesterday: lies, lies and more lies. They has the audacity to say that there was an accident, when we all know that he and his illegitimate cohorts will be shamed out of the office when we find that there was none. They will be the subject of laughter in the world. I can prove this."

"Believe nothing that hysterical man says. By cheating the public he has committed suicide, absolutely. If he wants to find 4 deaths he will have to find them in hell, because that is where he will be, with the added inconvenience of ravenous crows fighting over his pancreas."

"I exhort all citizens to refuse these claims in a brave manner. You will suffer no consequences, for there are no consequences to be suffered. It is safe to ignore the signs. Do not fear the wrath of the infidel. He is already in hell. Scorpions sting his eyeballs. Trust me on this."

"I can assure you there is no elitism in the education system. Lying is forbidden in schools Minister T-- will tolerate nothing but truthfulness as he is a man of great honour and integrity. Everyone is encouraged to speak freely of the truths evidenced in their eyes and hearts. Those lying cowards have no morals. They have no shame about lying. None doesn't even accurately describe the level of elitism. Their allegations are a cover-up for their failure."

"There are no accidents in the SAF. Abusive officers are not even within 100 miles of SAFTI. They are not in any place. This is an illusion. They are trying to sell to the others an illusion. Do not believe any rumours you have heard about any deaths, because in truth they never happened. Our men remain together now as they always have been, and refuse to be defeated by lies promulgated by journalists intent on destroying them."

"These pirates, they are committing suicide by the thousands in the Straits. They tried to bring a small number of boats in through M-- but they were surrounded and most of their infidels had their throats cut. Today I have visited whole strait, no invaders found. You go and see how we have ousted them. They are crying and waiting to receive bullets. They will be killed shortly."

Writing all that made me feel a little ill and throw up a little at the back of my mouth. It seems dreadful, though a little comical, that people are able to devise such an elaborate ruse and deliver it with a straight face. At least when we can tell that something is so blatantly wrong then the attempted dishonesty appears laughable. But when our perception is shaped such that we cannot even determine the truth for ourselves then successful deception may be executed without detection.